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THIS NOTICE IS TO INFORM YOU OF A PENDING LAWN CARE PESTICIDE APPLICATION TO...
I just received my fourth notification of pesticide application this summer. It seems my neighbors love their lawn more than they love their kids, or my dog for that matter. In the year 2012, who...
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10 Signs Your Wife May Be Plotting to Murder You
1. You noticed she stopped saying “God bless you” every time you sneezed and, instead, mumbles the words “rot” and “hell.” 2. She’s overly nice, and offers to give you a shoulder and neck massage...
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For God’s Sake, Get the Check and Shut Up!
They say there are no atheists in a foxhole, and while that may be true, I’ve never seen a foxhole, so I can’t confirm. I do know, however, that when the proverbial shit hits the fan, we tend to...
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Why I Refuse to Read “Fifty Shades of Grey”
As I near the end of my most recent Kindle download, a slight panic sets in. What next? A thriller, more humor, a classic, maybe another book about stock market trading, or anything that looks...
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This Is What I Wanna Do ‘Cause I’m Gonna Die in Three Months Anyway
As I anxiously await the earth to explode – taking with it my family, pets, and possessions — I’m torn between selfishness and selflessness. I mean, don’t I have the right to be selfish if my ass is...
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I Can Be Bought
In case you haven’t heard, President Obama will now lend you his ears if you can come up with a cool half-billion. Why you ask? Because he can. Since he’s now a lame-duck President with the election...
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SEQUESTRATION HAPPENS — Time to Take Matters Into Your Own Hands
The end is near and the doom is clear. Our Federal Government is being forced into cutting 2.3% from an increase in next year’s budget. At the same time, Senator Rand Paul has voluntarily cut $600,000...
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The Killing Fields of Suburbia
The feel of soapy water caresses my well-veined hands as I methodically scrape last night’s pasta sauce from a bowl. Out my kitchen window I can see sparrows, a family of blue jays, and one lone...
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un-Funny
Was it the STD he was left with after Rodman’s visit, or the fact that at 5′ 3″ and portly, maybe standing next to a 6′ 6″ black man in great shape wasn’t the best photo op for someone who would — one...
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Mr. President, You Can Sleep on My Couch Till This Blows Over
Mr. President, I have six words for you: “What the hell were you thinking?” I agree, Kamala Harris is attractive; pretty, if you will (and you did). But man, either you’ve got a pair of steel ones, or...
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How to Be a Motivational Speaker
So, you feel lost and drifting in your life. You find yourself surfing the channels from one get rich quick scheme to the other at three in the morning. Do you blow your life savings on a marketing...
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The Sloshed Chef
“There is no love sincerer than the love of food.” Sounds like something I’d say, but those are the immortal words of George Bernard Shaw. When life craps on your head, what better comfort than a...
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In Search of Inner Peace
President Obama’s recent visit with the Dalai Lama in San Francisco reminded me of the journey a close “friend” took to see a yogi master in India back in the late ’70s. Fortunately, he took a...
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Millions of Canadians Threaten to Move to U.S. if Trump Wins
In a move that sent a shiver down the spines of both President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau, millions of Canadians have threatened to leave the Great White North if Donald Trump becomes...
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All Candidates Drop Out of 2016 Presidential Race — Obama Asked to Hang...
In a stunning announcement only a week after the New York primaries, all presidential candidates — except John Kasich — dropped out of the 2016 race. The GOP and DNC are in shock at the sudden...
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Paleo Speak
So ……………… the fact of the matter is, at the end of the day, it’s a no-brainer — and that’s the bottom line. Congratulations! You’ve just wasted 8 seconds in mindless, time-filling blabber. Assuming you...
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Manteca Man Still Troubled by Thing on His Arm
Manteca, CA — A systems analyst from Manteca, California has let friends, relatives, and coworkers know he’s still concerned about that thing on his arm. Less than a week has passed since Wayne Feders...
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The Goethe-to Guy
It was hump day like any other Wednesday, or should I say, like every other Wednesday. No, actually, like every Wednesday when a dark cloud formed inside our office. I mean, literally, a dark cloud...
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10 Easy Steps to Writing a Book
How often has a friend come up to you and said, “Wow! What a great story. You should write a book.” Or maybe, as your probing mind throws question after question at that same friend about his night out...
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Three Useless Things I Learned Last Week
One of the joys and perils of the internet is information overload. Along with all the important stuff — be it disasters, politics, business, etc. — comes a myriad of useless information. I’d like to...
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